I was pulling out of the Wal-Mart parking lot with a sour look on my face.
I really, really dislike Wal-Mart. I always seem to get stuck in the line with the stressed out mom yelling at her kids. Shopping jaunts there manage to make me cranky and not very hopeful about humanity in general.
Then my frustration turned on a dime in the direction of myself as I stared at the furrowed brow in the rear view mirror. I want so much to radiate love all the time, no matter where I am or who I’m with, yet I fail so often in this area. So I said a prayer out loud that God would help me to see the hearts inside people, leaving judgment behind and offering only my best when interacting with the world outside my own kitchen.
As I continued to drive, I came around the corner with a wide expanse of sky in front of me. In the blue there was a giant heart shaped cloud with an arrow through it. A cyclist going by slowed down as she saw me pull over with iphone in hand.
“It’s a heart!” I said as she came to a stop, hoping she would see it too.
“You’re right! Even has an arrow,” she said and then continued on her way.
I think I got the cyclist in on the action to receive confirmation that what I was seeing was indeed a heart. I wouldn’t want to fall prey to a faulty cloud interpretation.
As I got back in my car, a voice on the radio was reporting that the child actor who played Darth Vader in the Superbowl car commercial was having open heart surgery that day. The words he used to lead into the song he was about to play were, “His mended heart will soon be made whole.”
“Busted Heart” (by King and Country) started up on my radio
* * *
….Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I’m screaming out Your name
Don’t let me fall on my face
I’ve got a busted heart
I’m in need of a change
I’m desperate for grace
Hold on to me, take all of me
Don’t let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You’ve never left my side
You have always been here for me
You never let me go
* * *
While I was listening to the song lyrics, an idea for a piece of art came to mind. I grabbed my phone and started babbling ideas into my memo recorder. It all came flooding out, the premise being a series of transparent bodies with hearts (some broken, some not) showing through. I started work on the camera shooting part of this piece yesterday. I think it says everything I was feeling in my search for judgement-free acceptance and love. For me, working out stuff in my art studio is like prayer…it lifts me up and creates a sense of hope that it can actually be.
After pulling into the driveway, I sat and pondered what I felt God was trying to communicate to me.
The out loud prayer.
The heart in the sky.
The radio announcement and song.
My art visualization.
I think in not wanting Him to “let me go”, I need to hold on for dear life. I must yearn to seek out and ask for a softened heart when I feel the dark human-ness inside start to well up and take over. I stop and see in my head
Taking special note that the heart is pierced with an arrow— because we all have arrows in our hearts.
All of us.
It is our job to love because He loves us.
It is necessary for us to give grace because it is freely given to us.