(Winter Inside 2012)
The last couple of days I struggled a little with the “I’m not enough” voices. Then I got a friend’s email about how she felt that I was “surrounded with light” and I felt hopeful again…sure of my footing, ready for the next phase of whatever all of this is in my creative vida loca. Even with this firmer footing, I still had to remember today to ask God to completely take all of the ick surrounding my heart. I wanted so much to be free of the comparisons and judgment I put myself through sometimes. It doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does, it’s maddening and a complete block to progress. Progress I so desperately need to see materialize in the art-making/writing journey I’ve decided to take. It’s no coincidence that I keep coming upon the same message in blogs, books, even bible studies: begin, begin, begin.
Via RedBullUSA
David Allen, author and well known productivity consultant, said on a podcast recently that it’s better to be moving 180 degrees in the wrong direction than begin from a place of stand still. Apparently, it takes way more energy to rev up a cold engine, than to turn an already moving vehicle around. A great example of this stares me in the face in my art studio. I have heaps of newly collected photos, ephemera and pieces of nature—and I have a multitude of little scraps with ideas scrawled on them taking up precious studio real estate. Yet, at times I have trouble marrying the two in one grand gesture of blocking off art making time. What gives? The vision is there…the starter is broken.
I guess part of the fear is that the finished piece will not be any good and then my precious collection will be used up for nothing. It’s not like I’m looking to create a great masterpiece right out of the hopper. I’m not playing Picasso here…just merely attempting to begin. I understand that with beginning we risk producing garbage. I think God allows us, especially artists, to manifest a lot of bad art for a reason. The river of bad art can flow down into many tributaries: one of good art, art that leads to a complete re-do, even art which is transformed from one medium to another (think photograph becoming a painting). It’s called the “artistic process” for a reason, I suppose.
With this not-yet-made art, I can see the pieces so clearly and you’d think that would be enough to catapult me into the throws of beehive-like creativity with paint in my hair and a wild look in my eye. Distraction is a lonely friend, and sometimes he brings Self-pity and Anxiety along as dinner guests. I’m not really interested in sharing so much as a sandwich with these clowns.
They are not my people.
This is where the pendulum swings back to the “please take my ick away” prayer.
I had a morning recently where I truly felt delivered from the mess of the previous day. I felt physically lighter and more hopeful just because. It was fabulous! I took note of it as an answered prayer. I am constantly battling of-this-world feelings and mood transitions and opening my arms to the “renewal of my mind” (Romans: 12:2 taped to my car dashboard seems to be in vain). This task is so ridiculously hard that I feel like dramatically throwing up my hands to the sky as if to say, “I’m fallible and human! This renewal thing might take a spa day or a several hours of kid-free solitude!”
I don’t think God’s buyin’ it.
I do know that massive renewal is possible because there are plenty of incredible people out there with the toughest of circumstances who have done just that—turned that car around and blazed
A
Trail
of
awesomeness.
Maybe the crash and burn practice of mind renewal is like making bad art. I’m thinking that with God allowing the continual process of fighting our feelings and opening the heart to what is “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable“ we slowly make our way to where He wants us to be. Like bad art-making draws us closer to the masterpiece we know is inside of us. A successfully renewed mind comes about the same way as the creation of the masterpiece…
via FreeDiveBlog
begin,
begin,
begin.
Just begin.
*Lara’s personal blog is here*
Oh.My.Gosh.
I am crying big tears right now…. but they are good tears. I have been fighting my own “icky” inside for several days and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, why I was “stuck”. I am sure you crawled into my brain and gathered my stash of thoughts, because these words are my truth right now! It could kind of creap me out if it wasn’t so wonderful to feel free with just the word “begin”. Wow….
Thank you girlie, hugs and love to you!
Mikal
I so get what you’re saying. I deal with those same thoughts and feelings. I get so frustrated with myself asking ‘Why can’t I just get to it?’ ‘Why can’t I get the image I see in my head onto this canvas?’ ‘Why am I so afraid it won’t turn out right?’ and on and on! I’m going to take this as a special message I’ve been needing to hear – just Begin!
I get so much out of your blog and am thankful for you open heart and willingness to share.
Thank you and be blessed
Kim
A famous writer who’s name I can’t remember at the moment said that “writing is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” When I was young, I naively assumed the perspiration came from hard work. As I’ve put the hours in with brush and canvas and talked to other painters who are at various stages in their careers, I’ve realized that a lot of that perspiration comes from fear, insecurity and self-doubt, those nasty characters who are more capable of keeping us from our art than laziness and busyness ever were. I don’t know anyone who’s conquered them. We’re all in the same boat with that. Hold your breath if you have to, but go ahead and do your best work anyway!
I worry as well sometimes about ruining that precious object or ephemera if the piece doesn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. I had to let that go, and remember I learn from mistakes and there will be lots more STUFF to find for projects over the years. It used to make me sad to go to estate sales and see people selling things that belonged to their parents that to me looked pretty valuable or sentimental. I went home and looked at all my “heirlooms” and thought – what if no one wants these? I let them sit on a shelf and never enjoyed them myself. I decided to start using all those pretty dishes, those pieces of ephemera because I love and appreciate them, they speak to ME.. Last year somewhere I read that as artists we should really create to make OURSELVES happy and no one else. That freed me a lot. To stop worrying if someone else thought my work was good threw open a new door for my creativity. Of course if someone does take a liking to my visions , now instead of feeling proud of myself, I feel greatful that I touched someone or that they could relate to my experience. I love that you can own you have the ick days too, we all do, some are just not brave enough to admit it! Every day has darkness and light and so do we. If every day were sunny, we wouldn’t appreciate it at all. Big Hugs!
LOL, I am feeling the same way about things, so I started to follow a series @ Saddleback Church all about our ID and I’m LOVING it!! http://saddleback.com/mc/m/e5595/
God’s timing is sooo perfect, just got back from a trip and felt lost, then he gave me this series of sermons to listen to! And he’s brought me here to read your blog <3, all things I needed to read and hear. To be honest it's great to know that someone that's well respected in the art community has struggles too!! We are all loved and all have a purpose and I appreciate you sharing!
Hugs!!